Seeking Fulltime Hunter-Gatherer Position

Lady Fremont
101 Day Drinker Lane
Edmonds, WA 98020

March 19, 2016

Ms. Stuffy, Recruiter
General Labor Staffing
11332 Lake City Way
Seattle, WA 98125

Dear Ms. Stuffy,

I am a go-getter who needs to slow my roll. I currently hold a highly skilled position as a Stay-At-Home Mom in the greater Seattle area but I am exploring new and exciting opportunities in forage production. My fast-paced suburban environment is wreaking havoc on my disposition and I’m eager to take my midlife crisis to the next level by finding a fulfilling opportunity as a Hunter-Gatherer.

I am hungry to walk, eat, sleep, hunt, have babies and repeat this process for the next 15-35 years. My leadership skills obtained from years of childrearing at Yuppie Kingdom have prepared me for middle-management Gathering or entry-level Hunting.

I want to get in on the ground floor of an up and coming team focused on getting food, eating food and eliminating food. I maintain workflow by putting one foot in front of the other, with the sun on my face and wind blowing from my backside.

I am efficient at yanking Barbie out of the business end of a drain pipe, but this is not my passion. I do my best work when I focus on one or two important problems rather than multiple trivial ones. For example, if I am analyzing operating practices during a drought, I will take a bucket with me to the reservoir rather than simply plop my face in the water. As you can see, my problem-solving skills are impressive.

Physical Expectations

In my current job, I multitask clipping, tweezing, shaving, waxing, trimming, cutting, polishing, brushing, highlighting, plucking and applying minerals and plant extracts on a consistent basis. I’m seeking a position that allows me to thrive in my UV damaged skin as it is, unaltered.

Some SAHMs feel pressure to modify their appearance and do so by soliciting the wizardry of cosmetic surgeons. I support my peers in all their skin stretching endeavors but personally, I do not share their enthusiasm for beautification. I simply want to grow hair and be loved. My best work is done wrapped in a unibrow, under a net of leg hair.

Transportation

I’m responsible for transporting children to overpriced extracurricular activities daily. I achieve this by accelerating my vehicle through yellow lights and swerving around pedestrians in crosswalks with great vigor. I find driving in this environment stressful and yearn for a simpler alternative – walking or meandering.

My enthusiasm for walking is critical to being a successful Hunter-Gatherer. I will proactively jog to a blueberry bush without hesitation. Jogging with purpose is one of my most marketable skills and I never burn calories frivolously; I do it strictly for the pursuit of food and this demonstrates a high level of practicality.

Social Order

Peer relationships may require up to 23%* of a SAHMs time so it is important to be cool. Do not interact with peers in a way that is dismissive, presumptuous, domineering, bashful, ignorant or arrogant. Most importantly never appear awkward. Awkward obliterates cool. One must balance humility with confidence, but not get too excitable because this might result in mocking, isolation or direct sales party invites. We are worthy of friendship once coolness is achieved and this stresses me out.

I want to speak my truth and listen to others who do the same around a campfire while we consume fermented grapes and ponder global warming. My new co-workers will appreciate my fireside sideshow and I’ll offer helpful solutions to everyday challenges. For example, if a peer suffers from tendonitis from overactive bow hunting elbow, I will suggest experimenting with peyote until it doesn’t hurt anymore. I’m a real team player.

Commerce

Traditionally respect is earned by those who make and spend money. Many SAHMs are valued somewhere between a tolerated necessity and a tax deduction. We have more purpose than neglected retirees but still teeter on wasted potential with a questioned level of productivity.

As a Hunter-Gatherer, I will show up to work on time with my children by my side. I will hunt big game a couple times a year to feed my team and never hunt more than what’s needed; that would make additional work and be ethically deplorable. With this approach, my community will operate like a hippy commune, preferably without LSD or VD.

Tidiness

The current expectation is that SAHM dwellings should be clutter free, tastefully appointed and artfully arranged. Similarly, if the exterior yard isn’t tidy, SAHMs are expected to clock overtime to fix it. I’m only bending over to pull out a plant if there’s food on the end of it.

A Hunter-Gatherer’s yard stretches as far as the eye can see. No lawnmower or leaf blower required. No judgment or threatening HOA letter from an attorney in a strip mall. This is my jam.

In conclusion, I’m not reaching my full potential in my current profession. My talent is in wanderlust, preferably in a warm temperate climate, with exceptional healthcare and a Starbuck’s on every corner. If you have any leads or openings please contact me using the form below.

I look forward to changing the world one step at a time.

Sincerely,

Lady Fremont

womanforest2

References available upon request.
* Figures retrieved from thin air.

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One thought on “Seeking Fulltime Hunter-Gatherer Position

  1. I see your “figures retrieved from buttocks” means “talking shit?” Hahahahahahahaha! You crack me up!

    I have to read your work two times because it’s so different. You’re very creative. I want whatever it is you’re on! Lol

    I think your life means a lot to you as it is. You’re grateful to have all you have. You’re natural, too.

    Your sarcasim throughout the whole writing is charming. SAHM’s have the hardest job in the world. You give your audience a light-hearted look at it however.

    Thank you for sharing this part of your life with me.

    Like

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